Texas Humor

Originally Posted By: wcampbell
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Ya want Texas Humor? here ya go 'pard. icon_wink.gif


What Texans Mean When They Say:
> >
> > 1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
> > Self-explanatory
> >
> > 2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
> > Not very generous
> >
> > 3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
> > All talk and no action
> > 4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
> > We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally
introduced.
> >
> > 5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
> > He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
> >
> > 6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE DOGS.
> > We really could use a little rain around here.
> >
> > 7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN FLY.
> > Appearances can be deceiving.
> >
> > 8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
> > I've been around awhile.
> >
> > 9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN' HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
> > Not the most handsome of men.
> >
> > 10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID GRACE.
> > Living in sin.
> >
> > 11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR BUTT WHITE AND RUN WITH THE ANTELOPE.
> > Stop arguing and do as you're told.
> >
> > 12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATING HORSE.
> > Rather prone to boasting.
> > 13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM
> BISCUITS.
> > You can say whatever you want about something, but doesn't
change
> what it is.
> > 14. WE'RE IN TALL COTTON.
> > Things are going well
> > ~~~~~ HOPE EVERYONE IS IN "TALL COTTON"~~~~~
> >
>
>
>


--
This Ole House-Home Inspections
William A. Campbell TREC # 6372
Serving the Texas Coastal Bend
(361) 727-0602 (home)
(361) 727-0055 (office)
(361) 229-4103 (cell)

Originally Posted By: gbeaumont
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Hi Will


Thats funny I will remember #6 for ever icon_lol.gif icon_lol.gif icon_lol.gif


Gerry


--
Gerry Beaumont
NACHI Education Committee
e-mail : education@nachi.org
NACHI phone 484-429-5466

Inspection Depot Education
gbeaumont@inspectiondepot.com

"Education is a journey, not a destination"

Originally Posted By: wcampbell
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Excuse Notes from Texan Parents


These are actual excuse notes from parents to the school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the s#!t.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, what do you think?


--
This Ole House-Home Inspections
William A. Campbell TREC # 6372
Serving the Texas Coastal Bend
(361) 727-0602 (home)
(361) 727-0055 (office)
(361) 229-4103 (cell)

Originally Posted By: Blaine Wiley
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the s#!t.


Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. ![icon_lol.gif](upload://zEgbBCXRskkCTwEux7Bi20ZySza.gif) ![icon_lol.gif](upload://zEgbBCXRskkCTwEux7Bi20ZySza.gif) ![icon_lol.gif](upload://zEgbBCXRskkCTwEux7Bi20ZySza.gif)

ROFL & my sides hurt!

Blaine


Originally Posted By: gbeaumont
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Ditto…I’m off to buy new boots icon_lol.gif



Gerry Beaumont


NACHI Education Committee


e-mail : education@nachi.org


NACHI phone 484-429-5466


Inspection Depot Education
gbeaumont@inspectiondepot.com

"Education is a journey, not a destination"

Originally Posted By: wcampbell
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Blue Neck


By now I'm sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what moon pie is.

6. You've never had an RC cola.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what applique is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Carolyn Elizabeth, Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)

29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

31. You can do your laundry without quarters.

32. None of your fur coats are homemade.


--
This Ole House-Home Inspections
William A. Campbell TREC # 6372
Serving the Texas Coastal Bend
(361) 727-0602 (home)
(361) 727-0055 (office)
(361) 229-4103 (cell)

Originally Posted By: gbeaumont
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Hi Will


if you leave out 14 & 20 that’s me. but a must be excused as I was not born here icon_cool.gif


Gerry


--
Gerry Beaumont
NACHI Education Committee
e-mail : education@nachi.org
NACHI phone 484-429-5466

Inspection Depot Education
gbeaumont@inspectiondepot.com

"Education is a journey, not a destination"

Originally Posted By: wcampbell
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Ok, not Texas in general, but they looked good:



REALTOR TERMS



When they say and what they really mean...

* SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - Next to a noisy bar.

* OLD WORLD CHARM - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CONTEMPORARY FEELING - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.

* CLOSE TO LAKES - Impossible to park from April to October.

* WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed supporting walls.

* SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbor has a dog.

* NEEDS TLC - Major structural damage.

* UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.

* MOTIVATED SELLER - Has been on the market for 14 years.

* CONVENIENT - Located on freeway entrance ramp.

* MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

* NEUTRAL DECOR - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.

* MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing.

* COZY - No room larger than 9 x 6.

* LOWER LEVEL FAMILY ROOM - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

* LIGHT OPEN SPACES - Many holes in walls and ceiling.

* OUTSTANDING - Painted purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

* A WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.

* BOX ROOM - Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes ... folded.

* BY PRIVATE TREATY - If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.

* COMPACT - Tiny.

* COUNTRY GENTLEMAN'S RESIDENCE - No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

* DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - It looks terrible.

* DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - In flight path of nuclear bomber base.

* EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.

* EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.

* LOCAL AUTHORITY GRANTS AVAILABLE - About to be condemned.

* MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.

* OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.

* PARTIAL CENTRAL HEATING - The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

* PERIOD RESIDENCE - Built in the last two years.

* QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed dormitory town.

* RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else want's it.

* SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - Beside sewage works.

* SOLD - Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

* SUBJECT TO NEW INSTRUCTIONS - They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for field next door.

* UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.

* UNUSUAL LOCATION - In the path of a projected motorway.

* USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.

* WELL SITUATED - In full view of the neighbors.

* WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.


--
This Ole House-Home Inspections
William A. Campbell TREC # 6372
Serving the Texas Coastal Bend
(361) 727-0602 (home)
(361) 727-0055 (office)
(361) 229-4103 (cell)

Originally Posted By: DShelton
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



icon_biggrin.gif , thanks, I miss the Texas humor way up here.


D


Originally Posted By: jmyers
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Will,


I like that humor, it made me LMAO! ![icon_biggrin.gif](upload://iKNGSw3qcRIEmXySa8gItY6Gczg.gif)

Joe Myers


Originally Posted By: wcampbell
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



THE TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) (I?m from British Coulmbia), that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

The scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Nee ds more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That girl is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really makes me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that girl Sally. She must be crazier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.








~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like stuff to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. The heck with it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.


--
This Ole House-Home Inspections
William A. Campbell TREC # 6372
Serving the Texas Coastal Bend
(361) 727-0602 (home)
(361) 727-0055 (office)
(361) 229-4103 (cell)

Originally Posted By: dbowers
This post was automatically imported from our archived forum.



Remember the old Texas Saying:


"Never ask a man if he's from Texas - if he is he'll tell you in the first 2 sentences out of his mouth and if hes not, why embarrass him".

Dan Bowers (Kansas City)