Good evening. This is Charlson Gibs. Tonight I will be interviewing Barama O’Back, the Presidential candidate from Chicago, to whom we refer by his initials. So I have B.O. here…
C.G.: Good evening, Mr. O’Back
B.O.: Good evening. I’m pleased to be here because this interview needs chanche.
C.G.: ??? Don’t you mean “change”?
C.G.: O.K. What kind of change are you talking about?
B.O.: Chanche we can believe in. Yes, we can!!!
C.G.: Hmmm…well, you know, the President has to deal with foreign nations extensively and one of the qualifications to be President would be experience in foreign affairs. What, in your mind, would qualify you to serve as President?
B.O.: I have extensive service as “Community Organizer” in my home town, and I sold vacuum
C.G.: You sold vacuum cleaners?? Why would that be a qualification in foreign affairs??
B.O.: I’m from Chicago—I have had to deal with a lot of people from Poland and Italy! Not to
mention tourists from Ohio!! Ohio—now that’s a*** real*** foreign country.
C.G.: Well, I’m with you there. But, is there anything else you consider “qualifications”?
B.O.: I ran for Congress in 2000.
C.G.: You ran for Congress? But you failed in that bid…
B.O.: Yes, but I learned a lot about running for office, because I was elected Senator the very next time I ran. As a result, I’m good at running for office now. Yes I can!!!
C.G.: What can you tell me about your experience as a Senator?
B.O.: I spent 143 dayss as Senator from gangla…I mean–Chicago.
C.G.: 143 days? Did you gain any useable, real experience in foreign affairs during that time?
B.O.: Well, not actual real experience, but I did overhear Senator McCain discussing something
once. And I did have a couple of classes in foreign affairss when I was at the University.
C.G.: **[sigh] **O.K. Let’s talk about the Iraq issue. How do you propose to handle the withdrawal of American troops?
B.O.: We will start the troop withdrawal immediately. I propose to set-up a kiosk in the desert,
and as the troops get their paychecks they can buy an airline ticket to the “States”. I will use the proceeds from the sale of these tickets to pay for my tax cut for the middle class.
C.G.: I thought you once said you would over-tax the rich to pay for your tax cuts.
B.O.: I chanched my mind. You know—the kind of chanche you can believe in…
I found out that if I taxed the rich, they could use that tax as a deduction next year and then they would pay less taxes as a result. So I have decided to not tax them, so they will have to pay more taxes.
C.G.: Excuse me for a moment, please…I think I’m getting a headache.
B.O.: That’s O.K. I understand—I get headaches all the time myself.
C.G.: Now. Senator Barama…In regard to the threat of “Global Warming”, the country—and the world—is about to disintegrate (if we are to believe Al Gore)—do you have any proposals for curing “Global Warming”?
B.O.: Global warming is the most pressing issue of our time. If it is not stopped** NOW** it will soon over-run the world and cause earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, famine and pestilence, the return of the Plague, and serious hangnails. We must **rid **ourselves of a dependence on foreign oil and vinegar; we must explore the use of **fission instead of nuclear power;****WE MUST RIDE OUR BICYCLES AND RICKSHAWS TO WORK; **
C.G.: Easy…easy, Barama. You’re about to bust a gusset…
B.O.: I’m sorry, I got a little carried away there, didn’t I…
C.G.: Let’s have a little change of pace…
B.O.: Yes, a chanche of pace we can believe in—yes we can.
C.G.: Let’s talk about the economy. Senator McCain said that he believed the base for the economy was strong—the base being the working Americans. Do you agree?
B.O.: No. I do not agree. I have spoken with many working Americans and, while I have found them to be very base, I have noticed that they are not very strong. That’s because we have too many aliens in this country today—we have had too many all along, starting with the Mayflower. Do you realize that if we had turned the Mayflower away and sent it back to France or Germany or wherever it came from we would not have nearly as many people in this country as we do today? And that is the most pressing issue of our time—PEOPLE!! **People have brought the curse of pollution upon us…and FAMINE and PESTILENCE…**please, somebody—please tell me—what the heck is “PESTILENCE”?
C.G.: I think in the interests of humanity, sanity, Hannity and Colmes, and any other –nity we can think of, we will call an end to this interview. Thank you for being our guest this evening Mr. O’Back. It was a pleasure to have you.
B.O.: Thank you, sir…it was a pleasure being had.
The foregoing interview is purely fictional, the characters portrayed are fictionally pure, and resemblance to any fictional person, living or dead, is purely an