This house was bad.... Breaking Bad

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I made a mistake.

I don’t often get suckered into inspecting cheap dirty houses, and I have actually promoted this fact in previous threads on this forum about how I avoid certain zip codes by charging a ridiculous premium. Its built right into my fee calculator. Fees are based on mileage from my house, sqft, age, foundation type… plus a $100-$300 premium for certain zip codes. I don’t want to work in dangerous neighborhoods or waste time on cheap houses that take forever to write a report on. I want to pass on those inspections and let the other inspectors take those jobs. Unless I’m mentoring new inspectors, I stay away from these types of houses. They are great for teaching because there is so much to discuss and write up.

Last week I made a mistake.

The Zillow page reported 1456 sqft at $171,400 (unlisted) which is above my threshold of $100/sqft. This is a figure I will have to revisit since house prices are so much higher than in the recent past. So I quoted a price and booked the job. I would start at 9:am. House would be unlocked. Buyer would join me at noon for a review and discussion. Sounds great.

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Friday I showed up for the inspection and saw that it was twice as big as expected as it had a full basement. It’s 3000 sqft in really bad condition and I priced it off Zillow.

I made a mistake.

There was a pick-up in the driveway. I knocked on the door and yelled “Home Inspector” and there was no response. I walked around to see what kind of space I was working with. It was dirty, but vacant upstairs (nice). Downstairs was another kitchen (Dam-it) and it was “furnished” (Dam-it). lights were off in the den, and no windows, but I could see a couple on the couch, sleeping. I went outside and started the inspection.

I was having a good time, laughing at some of the crazy red-neck repairs and modifications I found.
The roof had a large metal panel patch above the living room fireplace. I had to share that with some inspector friends/students.

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I also was amused by the number of security cameras. Who needs security on a dump like this?

The water meter was locked out (must not have paid the bills) but I remembered that water was working when I checked inside at the beginning. I figured out that the water supply for the house was run from the neighbors’ house through a garden hose into a hose bib on the crack house, oops sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself… A hose bib on the inspection house.

That’s one of the most red-neck things I’ve seen.

The electrical system was also a mess. I found several scorched receptacles (did not test) and then ruined one of my testers when it burst into flames and I decided not to test any more outlets. I saw several more security cameras inside which was weird for a run down vacant place.

I heard some really loud music start up from downstairs. So loud, it was distracting upstairs. I figured the couple woke up and decided to have a party. Upstairs went quickly as it was vacant, and I headed downstairs to do basically unit#2. To my surprise, the couple on the couch were still asleep on the couch. It was now after 11:30 am. WTF

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There was another room off the den, maybe a bedroom, with the door shut. I inspected all the other rooms downstairs first and circled back to do the Den and last room at the end. I inspected the den using my flashlight and the couple slept through it (and the blasting music). Odd, I thought.

I knocked on the door to the last room and after a minute was greeted by a friendly shirtless dude, around 55 or 60 yrs old. He knew I was there for the home inspection already so I figured he must be the owner and he invited me in and I walked … Oh my goodness, naked chicks! A late 20’s and an early 20’s chick were over in the corner taking off their lingerie and changing into casual clothes. One was an 8 and one was a 6 but in hindsight probably a 6 and a 4 because you know they jump 2 points when the clothes come off. I remembered the seinfeld episode with Denise Richards, “You get a sense of it and look away”

I inspected that room so fast and half-assed because Lord knows I already had enough defects and enough of this house, and this room had enough ass already. Dude didn’t care. One chick asked “you aren’t recording are you?” and I said I was just taking pictures of the walls (which I was) and they didn’t GAF I was there really. I saw one more room off the bedroom, bigger than a closet and no door. It was full of computer monitors. I checked it out. Holly Crap. Live feed (High definition) from every angle of every place … If I were not so mad at being tricked into this hell hole inspection, and thrown off by the borrowed water and the red-neck repairs and the titties and everything I would have put it together sooner.
That couple on the couch wasn’t sleepy. They were stoned. Old shirtless dude, young naked chicks, surveilance, Zombies… I gotta get out of here.

I went back upstairs to pack up my tools and go home for a long hot shower and… Oh Crap, the buyer is here. (Damn it) I knew she was coming.
I didn’t know she was bringing her mom and dad, and her sister. And Her 8 year old KID!!! Fuck!!
Quick Math, there are at least 11 people in this house right now.

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I made a mistake.

“We are here for the summary. How did it go?”
I didn’t know how to begin.

“Um, Don’t go downstairs”

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Damn some people get lucky with all the fun ones! :rofl:

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What a story Burt! I’m sure one you’ll never forget. I can only imagine the buyers reaction.

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Great story Bert! I thought I had an exciting day but that story was something.

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Bert, one mans home is another mans castle.
Try not to make fun of individuals based on material things they own or the riches one has. They contribute to society. We all lean from one another.
As Iron Sharpens Iron, One Man Sharpens Another.
Keep well.
Robert

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Best thing I have read in a few weeks! Thanks for sharing Bert!

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You’ll have to go back, you forgot the basement :wink:.

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So well written and it has to be true. Can’t even make up stuff this good. Thanks for making my day.

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Bert don’t pay any attention to the WAFI!

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I’m jealous Bert !!! I never get these good ones !!!

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Didn’t expect anything else but WAFI logic… … …

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Thank you, Robert. You are a kind soul, and you have inspired me to do better. Let’s turn this conversation around and make it positive.

Let’s use this experience as a sharing opportunity. Iron Sharpens Iron.

Like I said, I made some mistakes on this one. Let’s have some feedback on how everyone would handle these situations.

Welcome To Questions for the Meek!

Members may make one post per to answer the questions, and every entry must have all parts of the questions answered completely in that one post.

No editing is allowed but nobody will be disqualified

All answers are correct (as judged by Bert, The Poster of the Questions) .

No need to request your prize. First 100 responses before the Christmas Party Dec 14th all win!

Choose your prize from the following list!:

** $5 donated in your name to Cozy Coats for Kids

All members are eligible… … …
Good luck! :cowboy_hat_face:

  1. When quoting a fee for an inspection an inspector should
    a) Do like Bert and look up the property on Zillow and believe it 100%
    b) look up the property on Zillow, Refin, Realtor.com, Trulia etc. and take an average of stats
    c) ask the buyer to verify property info
    d) find the assessment data
    e) all of the above
    f) none of the above. I charge $299 any house, any day-all day. Volume beats quality.
    g) write your own answer

  1. If you arrive at a property and it is different than expected. bigger than the description, has out-buildings, add-ons, utilities are off, Car in driveway but house was supposed to be vacant, obstacles to complete inspection, Foreclosure notice on the front door.
    a) Do like Bert and shrug it off. Once in a while you have a setback, roll with it. Continue On. Inspect what you can. It may take a while longer.
    b) Call the customer\realtor\buyer and explain the situation, ask for more money
    c) Inspect the amount of property that was contracted, leave the rest
    d) write your own answer

  2. You find a very interesting or stupid temporary repair.
    a) Do like Bert and text it to your local Home inspector buddies and have a laugh together
    b) Post it to face book /Instagram
    c) Get on the Internachi forum and post it to WTF of the day thread or make a new thread
    d) Move along. This isn’t play time, its serious work. I got more inspections after this one.
    e) write your own answer

  3. You are surprised that people are sleeping in the house (tenants or squatters or whatever) that was supposed to be vacant but you have a job to do.
    a) Do like Bert and inspect the home as best as you can while avoiding contact with the people.
    b) Wake them up, ask them to leave. You have a job to do.
    c) Skip rooms with people and list the limitations in your report. Extra fee to come back later.
    d) write your own answer

  4. You notice a bunch of security cameras around the property.
    a) Do like Bert and inspect like any other day, makes no difference to me.
    b) Be mindful of the cameras and be on your best behavior
    c) Pick your nose, scratch your crotch, fart really loud and listen for laughing noises from the next room
    c) write your own answer

  5. Buyer brings her whole family to the inspection like its an open house. Mom and Dad are walking around checking out the “bones” of the house pointing out all the cosmetic defects. Buyer is unfazed by the filth and decay and ready to take on a project because she has a lot of tradesmen in the family, and how hard can it be?
    a) Do like Bert and corral everyone into the kitchen to look at pictures on the Ipad together and engage everyone in the conversation and review. Keep them all together.
    b) Have a review with the buyer only and let everyone else wander the property
    c) Tell everyone they have 10 minutes to look around and then you have to have a review with the buyer only but the rest have to go outside.
    d) write your own answer.

  6. You walk in on a sex party. Nobody seems to care.
    a) Do Like Seinfeld: “You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You get a sense of it then look away!” Inspect fast and get out.
    b) Do like Costanza: “It was cleavage, I couldn’t look away. What am I waiting to win an Oscar? This is all I have in my life.” Enjoy the moment. This may not happen again.
    c) Leave the room and tell them you’ll come back in a few minutes.
    d) Nope Nope Nope. I’m outa Here. Limitations in the report, I’m disclaiming this area.
    e) Write your own answer.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
Super Extra Credit!
WHO sang this on WHAT song?
The landlord say the rent is late, He may have to litigate

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I would like to forget the basement :wink:

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AWESOME BERT!
I know the tune but I’m not going thru the others… for now :cowboy_hat_face:

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What a great idea Bert very creative!

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ok Bert,
these are my answers.

  1. G. Look up the property but only believe 50%
  2. A
  3. D
  4. do as Bert but make as much noise as I possible can
  5. Keep one hand down my pants while smiling
  6. D. do like Bert but suggest they come back due at a “better time”
  7. I leave my brochures and business cards with the gals
    xtra-YARN
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Bert has all the luck, :sleepy:
This was the most exciting thing I ran into last week in the basement of a commercial building.
Joe's friend

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What is it, Joe?

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  1. When quoting a fee for an inspection an inspector should
    e) all of the above

  2. d) I have not done any paid inspections as of yet (new member and aspiring inspector, here) but, as a female in the Chicago area, I’d be hesitant foooor sure. I’d love to know what the heck the right answer is! :joy:

  3. e) All of the above!

  4. d) For safety, I’d want them awake and preferrably out of there… don’t want to surprise anyone and get shot or something lol

  5. d) mostly A

  6. a)

  7. Mostly A… but Im going live on facebook with tons of puns “you see a lot of cracks over in this area” “there is evidence of major displacement happening” jkjk

Great post, and actually a true concern of mine heading into this career path. Somethings i feel can only be learned on the job, gotta think on your feet! Thank you for sharing!

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